Answering Machine Messages - 10 (Burglar)

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
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Tickets

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. F... [More]

Funny Bumper Stickers about Working

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck I'm just working here until a good fast food job opens up.... Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Errors have been made. Others wi... [More]
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More Lawyer Q and A

Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? A: Never enough. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: How many can you afford? Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer? A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you’d been there eight hours... [More]

Microsoft Buys Christmas

NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecif... [More]

Bumper Stickers 121-135

Dogs think they’re human. Cats think they’re gods. Save the Dolphins. What did the cows do wrong? Help wanted-telepath: you know where to apply I still miss my wife, But my aim is improving A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambi... [More]

ATM procedures

Chase is very pleased to announce that we are installing newDrive-thru ATMs where customers will be able withdraw cashwithout leaving their vehicle. (Other accounts can also utilisethis facility) Male and Female procedures have been tailored tobest reflect the behaviors of those particular groupings... [More]

The school teacher�s prize

Angela was nearing 60 and was in her final year of teaching. She was a devout Christian who missed teaching from the Bible. Because she was worried at how little her class knew about religion, Angela decided she was going to disregard the new regulations and teach some religion. She told her class t... [More]

Answering Machine Messages #91 (Hang Up)

Please hang up now if you would want to speak to Johan. Otherwise, please stay on the line to leave him a message.
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Little Red Riding Hood - Politically Correct Version

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them. She lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as ̶... [More]